A Dizzy Whirl
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: It would only be a game, the excitement of an affair and the weight of its secrets.
1. The Decisions lead to Will

It wouldn't be an addiction but a game. Just a sweet reaction to prevent from something she couldn't even name. She wasn't looking for seriousness, she just needed to escape from the suffocating atmosphere of the manse; the lack of sense that seemed to determine all the rest. A complete turnover that would brighten her life and even though it was bad, at least she would feel alive.

It would just be an affair. It had hit her mind during one of those lonely nights that used to weigh so much; when a glass of scotch turns out to be your single friend, a vague company you're looking for, that sticks to your heart and warms up your bones. It only lasts a couple of hours but if you're lucky enough alcohol goes to your head and then you tend to forget that it was just a façade, a fake warmness.

There was this urge boiling in her head, an irrepressible desire to cross the lines and taste the excitement of a secret encounter. Unless she was just running away from boringness and casual sex would soften her emptiness. She had smiled mischievously while looking at the flames burning high in the fireplace, an ounce of sadness though troubling her delicate face. But her determination was such that she didn't let her emotions take possession of her brain. She would do it, no matter what would come next.

No matter it could be the end.

This is how the lights of the city invaded her body, running slowly in her veins like cocaine, reaching her cells and damaging her dreams. From the darkness of a strip club to the intimate lamps of an old coffee, she watched how New York could become so gloomy when the sun had disappeared behind the buildings. A cigarette in her hands she used to stay quiet, almost invisible in the smoky background and observe people going all around, looking for the right one who would relieve her heart for a couple of nights in the coldness embrace of a frustrating and needed one-night stand.

But time passed by and she didn't get it. She could barely take a decision and start flirting with some appealing body. Perhaps she shouldn't think about it and just lock herself in a hotel room with the first person she would meet. Then close her eyes and give up herself to the sweetness of the caresses and the anonymity of it. She always came back frustrated, as if some strength were preventing her from cherishing her wish. She was failing and she didn't like it. She didn't have to be weak.

With some resignation she began to drop out the idea and found back the hateful intimacy of her late night drinks. Perhaps she wasn't made for it; for gloomy encounters and muffled sighs in some part of the city, lost in the arms of some person she could barely recognize the next morning. She focused on her life and her magazines. How bright the pictures were and the girls looked happy. She tried to understand how it was working. Her existence, this world where she had to live. She got closer to Grace, to Jack, to Will; to all this people who cared about who she could be. Sometimes the solution is right in front of us, there's no need to look around and get lost in vain search for relief.

She loved being with them and tasting their simplicity. She thought she was different and would never be able to be a part of them as she didn't stop wishing. She was way too complicated, too artificial and cold-hearted to get it. She even came to wonder, sometimes, when the grey sky of New York seemed to weigh a bit more on her soul, why they paid attention to her and accept to spend a part of their time in her company. Life is so fragile, they shouldn't waste it being with someone as weird as she could be. But lord knows how she needed it and how they were indispensable to sweep away her tears.

Is it coincidence or the way it had to be? The turnover occurred in the middle of February, as unexpected as a storm when the sky is so clear. She had always had a thing for their particular friendship. There was this shade of heat, a sweet embrace, that used to build their complicity. The smartness of their words was extremely appealing; a bit dangerous when they happened to find themselves alone under the pale lights of the evening. They had always been flirting somehow; a flirt around nothing. We should be careful of all the things we try to bury, perhaps they're the right ones, the most dangerous and true while the façades are so easy and lack of sense, reality. She never wondered anything about Jackie or Gracie but she always knew it was different with Will.

The only thing she didn't know was that she could sleep with him.

She wasn't even sure how they had come to do it. Why she had found herself breathing loud under his kisses and the soft touch of his lips on her skin. It wasn't only exciting, as much as his thrusts made her bite her lower lip before she succumbed to her supreme feelings, but strangely logical: they had to do it. Her fingers had to slide along his whole body as her mouth captured his lips for a sensual kiss. There was no compromise, no word, nothing. Just a body brushing another one and releasing their fantasies. She had found what she needed under the rain of February when he had pushed her against a tree and kissed her hungrily. The rest was only a traditional scheme. We forgot about everything, everyone, and only live for the burning sensations that a moment of intimacy can bring.

From then on she drew a line under any kind of meaning. She felt a wave of heat invade her body as her secret affair with Will began to make her feel dizzy, alive and relieved.


	2. Of doubts and needs

She passed her tongue along the glass, looking at him seductively while Grace was speaking over the phone a few steps away in the office. She loved those little games when her eyes met his and the rest just vanished, all of a sudden, unexpectedly. She took a deep breath and smiled at him mischievously. A lot of images were passing through her mind, a ton of desires boiling into her veins. Will lifting her hips and kissing her hungrily, unless she should straddle his lap and move slowly on him, the perfect timing to get him excited. Apparently these fantasies crossed the limits of her own body and so he turned around to come back to reality. She just giggled, silently. 

She had won over him, she always did.

The day before he had followed her until her limousine and while the streets were speeding past through the window, she had tightened her grip on his back, sighing heavily under the way he had kissed her ear. She didn't care about anything as long as she could get back his whole body. Just a single caress on his inner thighs with her fingertips and she felt the strength of her whims running through her skin. Perhaps one day she would get tired of it but she didn't care that much because she knew they could put an end to their secret meetings at any moment. As soon as they would have decided they had to cease.

They didn't speak a lot by then, just went for it. She had never asked him why he kept on pretending about his sexuality; it was none of her business like the fact she was married, for him. As a matter of fact the transgression of their own rules used to nourish their fantasies and it was the base of everything. Most of the time they were in a hurry and a couple of minutes were enough to come back down to reality and go for their clothes scattered haphazardly, before Jack or Grace rushed into the room and witnessed the unexpected intimacy they had built.

She put down her magazine and stood up slowly. He was about to leave. She came closer to Grace's desk where they were both chatting and pretended to get interest as her fingers, hidden by a pile of sketches, were running up his legs slowly. The contact of his knee against her hip made her close her eyes briefly and her spine shiver but before she realized it, he had turned away and come back to his office.

She was hoping he would come in the evening. She had nothing else to do, nobody would be waiting for her with the promise of beautiful words and unique dreams. And even though it wouldn't mean anything, she would at least get his caresses and the weight of his body warming up her lonely nights and bewitching drinks. She leaned against the wall and looked through the window how he was turning at the corner of the street. Then raised her eyebrows mischievously.

She could even sip her martini licking it on his body.

The rest of the day went on smoothly. Like since the very beginning of her affair with Will, she used to look differently at her life and its meanings. He had brought a wave of coolness to her breath, a sweet revolution to the routine of her acts and all her problems seemed to vanish away as soon as his hands took possession of her body.

She wasn't sure of anything but she had been thinking, lately, that Stanley was dating somebody. There's some doubts that tend to invade our brains and get icy our cells. We're scared, worried. What if it were the end? She looked down and bit her lower lip, sighing heavily.

Are you ok, Karen?

She turned and smiled at Grace, nodding.

Perfectly fine, honey.

She whispered those three words with an ounce of bitterness and a lack of sincerity that she regretted immediately. She cleared her throat, nervously, then grabbed a mug and poured some coffee in it. She stayed still for a while, observing absent-mindedly the wall in front of her and all the things she had been doing from the first time she had slept with Will. She didn't even feel guilty, not even touched by the thought it could hurt and damage the reasons why she had kept on smiling. Grace, Jack. Stanley.

Will.

She frowned and closed her eyes, taking a sip of her coffee.

Would you like to have an affair?

Her own words, so unexpected, made her gasp and freeze. She heard Grace in her back asking her to repeat, astonished. She swallowed hard as her lips began to shake uncontrollably but nonetheless, she did.

Would you like to have an affair?

Not if I'm happy.

Happiness. She laughed silently under her friend's confession and the innocence of her statement. So close to what she was living, so far from knowing about it. The perfect symbol of their life going on. How bright and clear it was under all those spotlights and how dark it sounded once you pushed the curtain and made a step forward through the long and secret corridors of their backstage life.

And you?

She took a deep breath then turned around, looking at Grace for the first time. The rain was pouring down, the wind blowing hard and loudly through the leaves of the trees, offering a gloomy melody to the background of the office.

I just wanna live.

They wouldn't even reach her bed that night. The strength of her desires, burning in her heart, would lead them to the ground and before she noticed it, she would smile under the dizzy whirl of Will's caresses, burying her fears, her doubts, her guilt. She would swallow back her tears and arched her back when he kissed her hips. And all of a sudden she would feel fine and warm, needed. She would just pass a hand through his hair and capture his lips for a desperate kiss. A comforting kiss, reassuring.

Then whispered his name to his ear, breathlessly, as he would give life to her feelings.

Thank you, Will.


	3. Let's just have fun and enjoy it

Even though you tried to pay attention to me, you wouldn't manage to save all the things we lost. I guess it's just too late, Stanley. It's just too late, honey. 

She looked at her own reflection in the mirror of the bedroom; how her eyes were blank under those words she never said out loud, all those complains weighing on her heart. It had never been the same since her husband had come back from jail, something had broken and they were trapped now into the nothingness of their lies. She closed her eyes and smiled thinking about Will and the way his fingers used to slide on her skin. She swallowed hard and sighed before coming back to reality, a bit breathless perhaps but relieved.

She had seen him twice the day before, for a couple of hours at lunchtime and for a part of the night as Stan was in The Bahamas. If she had to describe him through a single word it would be a sigh. The one he used to let escape when his mouth was brushing her neck and then she squeezed his waist with strength, succumbing to his thrusts and the ecstasy of the moment. She never felt weak while being in his arms, not even at his mercy or about to crash. She may have already done that anyway while kissing him for the first time and plunged into the dizzy whirl of secret relationships. She just wanted his body and the rustle of the sheets sliding along their skins in the darkness of her bedroom or the stifled sounds of his office.

She sat down at the table and let her gaze scan the menu. She was pretty hungry and could even eat some lettuce. The restaurant was nice, the atmosphere cosy and there was nothing better to her than to be with her friends, her leg brushing Will's one seductively. Coincidence or fate he had had to take the seat next to her own and keep on pretending it didn't change anything but they both knew how hard it would be; a sweet torture for their feelings and a horrible restriction for their bodies. So in a word, the best game she would take part in and no matter it was with Will and tasted of prohibition. It even got her excited.

They would all get drunk that night and so she would stay with him. As soon as Jack and Grace would retrieve to their rooms, he would take her hand and kiss her ear and as she would moan, softly, he would close the door behind them, into the silent of the night and the hot murmurs of their smiles, taken away by the hot murmurs of their sighs. She cleared her voice and came back to reality, looking at Grace, smiling politely. She wanted him, right now. Right there. She moved backwards and settled down on her chair and for a couple of seconds she felt like shouting out loud that she had an affair; that Will was her lover and she didn't care about the rest. She was fed up with all those people pretending to be unaware while they perfectly noticed her despair, her confusion; why she didn't love Stanley anymore and took her revenge by having sex with her friend. But no matter what she would say the would look down blankly at their plates because after all, it was none of their business.

She sighed, exasperated by the non-sense of her quiet complain then while talking to Grace she slid her hand under the table and rested there moving slowly from her knee to Will's leg. She smiled brightly when she felt him jump slightly under the unexpected and mischievous touch but he refrained himself, they weren't alone, he had to pretend. Although he should have known that Karen could go far when a sudden whim took possession of her mind but he may just like that as a matter of fact. The conversation went on as her fingers brushed his inner thighs and spread softly his legs to get better access. She felt the warmness of his body against her palm as her fingertip went up slowly to caress him playfully, her own breath getting louder under Will's excitement. She could be a good actress when she really wanted to, that may be why people couldn't see what was really happening or how she was suffocating with Stanley. She just moved her hand faster and looked at him fakely astonished when he cleared his voice and tried to keep a straight face in spite of her devilish ministrations on him.

A problem, Wilma?

He smirked, she loved being bitchy sometimes.

Everything's fine, Karen.

She raised her eyebrows and came back to the conversation she was having with Grace as Will played nervously with his towel, moving slightly on his chair under the last movements of Karen's fingertips running on his body.

That night she enjoyed the reward of her defiantly behaviour when she felt Will's lips between her legs, leading her to the paroxysm of her feelings. She arched her back, swallowed hard and moaned softly. Her hand grabbed his head and she pushed him closer to her body as he got his ministrations faster and caressed her whole skin. How could she care about Stanley when Will was driving her crazy? Why would she feel guilty for having her way with a man she hadn't married? She bit her lip and abandoned herself to Will's kisses and the addicting relief to cheat on somebody.

She would take a shower then once she would have come back to her manse, the water falling soft on her naked body. She would think about Will and smiled subconsciously. The sheets of her bed would be cold and sharp, like her ridiculous marriage with Stan. She would sip a martini and all of a sudden pick up her cellphone and dial furiously. She would look blankly how the small envelop would be substituted by the four letters of the missive: sent. She would turn the lights off as Will would get the message.

1pm tomorrow, Grace's office. Night, honey.


	4. The frustration of a night

The bottle flied in the air and crashed against the door, a million of little diamonds lighting all of a sudden the floor. She could feel her blood boiling in her veins, her heart beating loudly and her hands shaking under the strength of her tears. She wasn't angry but frustrated, and terribly lonely. The rain began to pour in the coldness of the night, emphasizing the non-sense of her life and the hateful sensation she was trapped into a series of mistakes that had to determine her acts now. She would always be wrong and sad. 

She grabbed a piece of glass and observed it silently. Its shape caught up the light of the unique lamp turned on, an old Japanese item that Stanley had brought back from some business trip and for which she had developed a singular affection; the dark red of the fabric giving a soft shade to the room that tended to calm her down and ease her pain. It reminded her of a blurry childhood moment, something that used to accompany her nights and prevent her from feeling lost into the disturbing routine of her mother's whims, a hurried flight in the middle of the night and the promise of a new bright life that would of course, result to be just another lie.

He hadn't done anything this time. She had made up an argument from the nothingness of their words, a ridiculous detail that had pushed her anger to come out and release her, somehow. He hadn't even replied, just looked at her blankly and let her deal on her own with the frustration that weighed on her heart. Perhaps he was tired of her constant fits of rage and the day would come when he slammed the door and asked for a divorce. She would have gone too far. It may have sounded curious, weird, but as much as she didn't love him, she couldn't imagine a life without Stanley. It was frightening. And nobody was unaware of the fact that tonight, the only person she was mad at was her own one but as usual the silence of the house seemed to be easier to avoid the despair of her soul.

She gasped under the touch of the glass against her skin, how it had been furtive and icy. She looked her blood sliding along her wrist, tracing a curvy line on her pale veins, a drop giving up her body for the impersonal wood of the floor. Life was so fragile that we could barely rely on it. Her lips made contact with her skin and she frowned when her tongue licked the injury. She didn't like the taste of blood or the sensation that the cut seemed to be burning in spite of her delicate motions. She sighed and stoop up slowly. The room was spinning around dangerously. She sat on her bed and took a couple of pills, then observed the room bitterly. She was just a mess and a waste of time for everybody.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, huddling up against herself, facing the wind. She started walking aimlessly through the streets of The Upper East Side, the rain joining her tears and the loneliness of her heart. She had no idea at what time Stan had stormed out, exasperated by the lack of sense of her screams, she had lost the least notion of time, of reference, as if her brain had shut down for a while and a second machine was controlling her acts. The area was so calm by night, so far from the turmoil of the day and the constant traffic jams that she could barely find her place in such a distinct life. She pushed the door of a bar and relaxed on a velvet couch, the smell of cigarettes going to her head bewitchingly and she began to forget everything, a glass of martini warming up her icy cheeks.

She didn't jump, slightly moved when a hand brushed her arm and came to rest over her fingers, pressing softly her skin, caressing the cut of her wrist.

What are you doing here?

She whispered then opened her eyes and faced him. Of course she was surprised, he was supposed to have some important meeting unless it was a date and she had mixed everything, one more time. She should try to pay attention to people's statements and slow down on the rest if she really wanted to be a part of them. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged.

Let's just say it's fate.

A fade smile appeared on her lips as her fingers slid on his nape and she came closer to his lips, plunging her eyes in his. She felt him shiver when her breath brushed his skin.

There's no fate, honey, just desperate mistakes that bring life to our craziest fantasies.

She abandoned herself to the comfort of his arms and the heat of his body; his kisses calming her down little by little until he looked at her and then she felt relieved. She pushed him against her chest, her legs still wrapped around his waist and let her tears fall down slowly as she tightened her grip on him. His lips were resting on her ear, his breath warming up her neck and she stayed there, sobbing quietly.

I need you, Will.

She felt his arms get strength and rock her peacefully until she closed her eyes in the darkness of his bedroom and fell asleep against him. She wouldn't go away for once and when the morning light caressed her skin, she would wake up slowly, happy and safe next to Will.


	5. Distance calls the truth

Look around you and you will understand why one day you found yourself in my arms. Don't pretend it's a mistake and let your heart be mine. 

She frowned under the strength of the statement and closed her eyes to restrain her cries. She could hear the soft music in the background, the perfect timing for a declaration of love that would fly over time and get engraved in the uniqueness of two souls who had found each other, at last. The phone rang and the spell got broken. She turned off the TV as Cary Grant was kissing his dearest love and as she answered to Jack, the loneliness of her life hit her suddenly but she just sighed and tried to sound happy. Stanley was in Thailand for a month and Will had to go to Texas, she was missing one of them but was afraid to tell herself which one.

Her husband had called her once, briefly, just to let her know that everything was alright for him. She had felt like screaming "What about me, Stanley? What if everything is not okay and…". But she had just nodded and kept on pretending, as usual. She had nothing to say to him except the fact they were wasting their time and their respective lives while staying together but there was nothing new about that and he probably had already guessed this part for quite a while, now. She had spent the rest of the evening trying to calm her nerves through a whole series of tequila shots and a warm bath. She loved when the heat of the water wrapped her body under the quietness of the night.

The days went smoothly as long as she was vaguely alive and not too drunk or high to enjoy Grace and Jack's presence but her mind was already off, waiting for midnight. It was when she started living again as Will's voice came to her ear and she relaxed in her bed, listening to him as his murmurs were rocking her soul like a wave of kisses on her heart. He called her every night and never said that everything was fine. She had stopped counting how many times she could pronounce his name within an hour, in her head of course, she didn't want her friends to get some doubts about their… She had made a face, sad, as she had realized she couldn't really name the nature of their acts. The term of affair sounded harsh now and the simple evocation of the word relationship was enough to plunge her into a state of nauseous panic she could barely face. He just cared about her and vice-versa

What she missed the most about him was his fingers caressing softly her temple when she used to cuddle against him and then they stayed quiet, their eyes closed, dreaming about controlling time and putting the world on pause just to get more from the intimacy of their arms. Something had softened in her gaze towards him, something had changed into their relation and as much as she loved it more than anything, she was sure it wasn't how it was supposed to be.

They had gone to the movies the day before his leaving. And even though Jack and Grace were a mere inch away from both of them, he had held her hand in the darkness of the room during the whole time, looking at the screen silently until the lights turned on and he took advantage of it to whisper to her softly.

I will always come back to you, Karen.

She had slightly blushed, looked down a couple of seconds then cleared her voice and broke their own moment. He had felt the sadness of her heart and caught up the fears of her life. Stanley had never tried to reach her mind and even less her soul. Will was the first one.

I love your eyes; how they can be bright when you look at me. I may feel insecure sometimes but your gaze eases my fears and something happens to me. You reassure me, Will, and comfort my choices when it comes to you… To you and me. I lack of courage and ambition to let the words come out. I don't like this life, it sounds so wrong, so ridiculous. And when Stanley takes me in his arms I find myself alone, missing the warmness of your smile and the sweetness of your eyes. I thought it was supposed to be a game but the seriousness of my feelings push me to realize that I'm losing control of it and I can't go backwards. That's why I apologize for it. I love you, Will. I'm so sorry.

She opened her eyes slowly but didn't move. She caught up the light of the alarm-clock, five in the morning. The sequel to her dream invaded her mind little by little as the seconds were passing by silently and when they reached her brain and set off the machine, she bit her lower lip and let the tears fall down on her cheeks, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. She tightened the grip on her pillow as the dreadful reality was imposing itself in the middle of her sleepless night. She grabbed a pencil and picked up her agenda. Then, very slowly, she looked blankly how the ink was sliding along the sheet of paper, almost too easily. She put down her pencil and stared at the words she had written vaguely subconsciously. The curves were perfect, like the rhythm and the shade escaping from them. She frowned and gasped under the evidence of the sentence, a bit surreal, a pure logic. Her voice never sounded so weak than when she brushed the words with her fingertips and read them out loud.

I'm in love with you, Will.

She fell back asleep while looking at his name associated to her secret feelings.


	6. The dizzy whirl

She took a deep breath and tried to keep her heartbeats under a regular pace as more and more people were joining her near the doors, still closed for the moment. She had been waiting it for so long that the last minutes were unbearable now, her whole body claiming for an immediate release. She swallowed hard, her throat was so dry. She hadn't been in such a state since A Mid-Summer Night Dream, tenth grade, Missouri, when the stage fright had almost get her entirely paralyzed and for once she would have wished that her mother chose this exact time to pack their things and rush away, very far. Of course it had never happened and she had had to deal with blinding spotlights and all those faces looking at her in the dark. 

All of a sudden the first passengers arrived and she forgot about the rest, how a baby was crying on her right and how wrong everything sounded. She shouldn't let her emotions take possession of her heart, she knew too well how it could hurt then when she realized that it was only an utopia, a ridiculous dream that should have never reached her mind.

She froze when she saw him and for a couple of seconds they both stayed still, not knowing what to do or think. The first step would determine so many things if only implicitly. But reality caught her up back very soon and she couldn't restrain a smile. She threw herself in his arms and laughed uncontrollably. She felt so light, so fine with Will.

He made her twirl around, then caressed her cheek. She didn't say how she had missed him in spite of their daily phone calls and her constant thoughts about him, she just plunged her eyes in his and let her silence tell everything until she leaned over and found back the warmness of his lips.

Her palm slid from his stomach to his chin, brushing his skin softly, carefully, as if he could have broken into pieces at any moment if the pressure was too hard on his body. She made her way until his neck through a veil of kisses, closing her eyes and getting concentrated on the smell of his skin. They rolled on a side under the subtle murmur of their sighs, her back arching against the heat of his heart that she could feel beating loud as she squeezed his waist and they became one. She smiled when his lips reached her throat and his thrusts made her gasp. She abandoned herself to the irresistible pace of their bodies and smiled at him when, breathless, she realized how her life could be fade when he wasn't around.

They stayed in bed for a while then headed for a shower before Grace came back from a meeting in Connecticut. Jack would be there in the evening unless an unexpected fling kept him out for the whole night. She had thought about this afternoon for so long that she could barely believe Will was finally back. The day before she had been told that Stanley's stay in Thailand would last a bit longer, his assistant had called her. Her scotch on the rocks had tasted so bitter then. Her husband hadn't even called her by himself. She was just another client he had to satisfy from time to time in order to make it right.

I guess my marriage is falling apart.

She had stared blankly in front of her while saying it out loud to Rosario who had just come into the room She almost sounded surprised, her voice so insecure under the weight of the confession but she hadn't even looked at her maid, just huddled up against herself, still staring at the fireplace opposite the bed. And when the door got closed on her back, she had let her tears run on her face silently, another glass of scotch in her hand. It was over, one more time.

She sat against him on the couch of the living, a tea mug in her hands, she smiled at him and kissed his lips softly. He didn't say a word, just took her hand and began to play subconsciously with her wedding ring. She froze when she noticed his gesture and all the things it meant.

Happy anniversary…

She raised her eyebrows and looked at him, confused.

I think you have already way too many jewels and what could I offer to you for a six-month relationship?

She opened her mouth to speak but realized all of a sudden that he had put a word on what they were living. He hadn't sounded scared or reluctant, not even conscious of its meaning. She blushed and looked down, how could she have forgotten it? She smiled tenderly when he kissed her ear and whispered to her softly.

So what do you want for our anniversary?

It's one of those moments that seem to count so much in a life; when everything stops, even time and you can look backwards. A situation has evolved, following the rhythm of the days, the weeks and you've just been taken in its whirl; its dizzy whirl. Your self-confidence has almost vanished and a thousand of doubts are dancing in your head, wandering through your heart. You want to take a decision but you're scared; what if it had to stop, now? It was supposed to be a game, something funny to escape from the manse and her love life failures, certainly not the seriousness that her heart was taking now. She had missed something between them, the exact moment when the situation had changed its direction and took an unexpected way that she loved so much now. She took a deep breath and looked at him, she was shaking.

I want a baby, Will.


	7. Stressful routine, unexpected stories

He kissed the back of her neck as his hands were squeezing her waist. She smiled quietly under the contact of his skin then broke apart, putting on her coat and taking her purse; she had to leave. She cleared her throat nervously but didn't say a word, just plunged her eyes into his and tried to reach his mind, scan his feelings. It was pouring outside but she felt like walking, taking deep breaths and staring blankly how the raindrops were crashing on the asphalt in a sweet rhythm, accompanying every single second of the night. She picked a cigarette and let the nicotine invade her veins, penetrate her heart. Time seemed to be suspended all of a sudden, as if her maternal wish had got hold over the world and the machines that used to control the process of their existences. She bit her lower lip and frowned dreamingly; she had always wanted to have a baby. It wasn't a whim but a need, something logical that was growing inside of her while the years were passing by and perhaps it was time to make a step forward and get responsibilities. 

She huddled up under the sheets of her bed and thought about Will. Would she ever be able to leave Stanley and grant her wishes? A series of doubts spread out over her brain and for the very first time she felt scared. She turned on a side and grabbed her phone, waiting anxiously for his voice. She needed him, right now.

Karen?

She opened her mouth to speak but the words stayed trapped in her throat. Her breathe was getting loud and low, she was suffocating. She brushed away some tears with her shaking hands and stifled her panicked sobs as she was still unable to say a word.

Karen, are you okay? Is everything alright?

She picked up a glass on her bedside table but let it fall down on the floor accidentally. She looked at her hand and saw that she was bleeding. Will was still speaking to her, she could vaguely hear him in the background, the sound of his voice muffled by her noisy heartbeats. She looked around her and burst into tears when she realized that there was nobody. She had always been a lonely soul, no matter what she did.

Will irrupted in the room fifteen minutes later. She was shaking uncontrollably, looking blankly at the wall opposite the bed where she was lying. She grabbed his neck and plunged her face in his chest when he came closer and she recognized him. She was still holding her phone, his voice being the only connection between her body and their life. Rosario and the rest of the staff had been in the other wing, they hadn't heard anything.

A big amount of stress very often leads to this kind of fits. It depends on the stage then but still, it can turn into epilepsy if the patient isn't taken in charge soon enough.

The doctor turned and looked at Karen, sat up on her bed, a blanket on her shoulders.

You need to rest, Mrs Walker. You need to rest and let the others take care of you for a while. You're thinking way too much.

She looked down and nodded. She felt so stupid. The door got closed and a peaceful silent took possession of the room. She sighed as Will took her in his arms, huddling up against her, rubbing her back. She was still avoiding his gaze, not knowing how to deal with the weakness she had let him see. People used to tend to think you were broken then and she hated it.

I'm sorry…

He couldn't restrain a smile under her unexpected statement. She still managed to find a way to keep her head straight, even though it required the last ounce of pride her body had kept safe in spite of everything. He kissed her temple and rested his face against her hair, filling his lungs with her scent. A couple of minutes passed before he plunged his eyes in hers and settled down his sentence.

Let's go for it, Kare.

What? She frowned, a bit confused.

He bit his lower lip and took a deep breath, his fingers caressing her cheek.

Let's give a chance to the baby.

Stanley came back two weeks later as the summer was going away slowly. He offered her a diamond ring and the routine of their old days took them in its arms as if nothing had happened; no fit, no business trip, no call in the middle of the night, no failure. The invisible lines of their secret remained in their furtive gazes and they kept it for themselves. Nobody knew about their feelings and even less about the pact they had made that night. One day they would stop pretending and put a light on their relationship. They just needed time, unless it was easier and more reassuring to live under those lies and so they would just remain in the dark. They were both aware of this eventuality and all the things it meant. A bit too much maybe.

Wake up!

She jumped and looked at Grace standing in front of her, exasperated. She couldn't have fallen asleep, could she?

Yes honey…

You weren't listening.

She made a face and frowned. Obviously she had missed everything. She opened her mouth to reply but found herself exhausted. She didn't feel like fighting.

I'm sorry, Gracie. I guess I need to get some sleep.

That's what night is for, Karen. Sometimes I wonder what you can do in order to arrive in such a state at 2pm!

I'm screwing Will, Grace. She rolled her eyes and made a face at her own thought. As true as this silent statement could be, she would have never been able to use it just in order her friend shut up, astonished. That was the kind of things she did when she was sixteen and obviously a lot of years had passed since then, she had got maturity. She leaned on her elbow and looked at her friend.

So what were you saying?

Grace sighed but put her frustration aside and repeated.

I guess Will is hiding something to me. I guess he met someone but doesn't dare to say it.


	8. Thailand, my love

The fact was she didn't know how to deal with it. For a lot of people she was the exact symbol of self-confidence and harsh confessions but the appearances didn't match with her real persona. She was way too weak and hated that, the least decision weighed a lot on her mind and she wasn't good when it came to her personal life. Nonetheless she had to try. 

She took a deep breath and caressed his thigh as his hands went up slowly along her spine. She loved the warmness of his lips against hers and this sensation, invading her body, that he was taking possession of her heart. She smiled in his mouth and let him kiss her skin, making his way along her neck, her breasts, her legs. The fall had come over New York giving strength to their lies and her determination to get a new life in Will's arms. She moaned under his ministrations and closed her eyes, abandoning herself to the intimacy of their moment and the sweetness of its charms. She was thinking a lot lately, about so many things: how to keep their relationship hidden, how to leave Stanley, why there was still no baby. Although she was happy, extremely happy.

She looked at him and bit her lip.

I love you, Will.

She held her breath but kept her gaze on him, trying to scan the thoughts that were crossing his mind. She felt her heart slowing down in front of his lack of reaction. Her throat tightened its grips and got dry. She began to panic as the shame invaded her cheeks through a red burning wave. He was lying on top of her, she could barely escape. She looked aside and shivered as his lips made contact with her ear and he whispered softly that she was all to him. She caught up back his gaze and pulled his face against her neck, holding him tight in the darkness of the room.

I want to stay with you, Will. I'm so tired of it…

She started sobbing quietly as they rolled on a side and he rocked her peacefully, trying to ease the pain weighing too much on her soul. She may not liked being weak but sometimes she had no hold over it.

She took his arm and let him guide her through the crowd, avoiding his gaze, smiling at the guests. She didn't even realize how false it could sound, her mind was off and she felt sick, angry, the vision of the contract still fresh in her head. She shouldn't have seen it but she was just looking for him. They would be late if he didn't come immediately. Was it her fault if he had let the sheet of paper in evidence in the library? She had smiled bitterly in front of it, noticing how its meaning symbolized their whole story to perfection; all those secrets, those lies. Stanley had accepted to head a firm in Thailand and so he was moving there, definitely. Lord knows when he decided to tell her about it.

Life is made of compromises. As soon as a wedding ring slides along your finger you accept the deal, whatever happens, whomever you meet on the road; a friend, love. It doesn't matter anymore because you already chose what your existence had to be and coming backwards, as appealing as it is, is highly prohibited.

She took off her shoes and entered the room silently, narrowing her eyes as the only light was coming from the moon, barely emphasizing the furniture of the room. She jumped and stifled a scream when she felt his hands squeeze her waist and his lips on her cheek. She leaned her head backwards and laughed silently. Why couldn't she feel the same with the man she had married? She turned around and kissed him deeply, pulling their both bodies towards the bed. She swallowed back her thoughts and the last discussion she had had with Stanley. They both needed a new beginning; New York City was becoming too heavy and a new place would be perfect to put an end to their crisis. She hadn't said a word, her brain trying to get something clear and logical from the situation but obviously the few drinks she had had previously were getting the whole process slowly. Moving to Thailand seemed to draw a line under a lot of things and she wasn't sure that it was what she really wanted.

She closed her eyes under Will's caresses but a lot of images passed by her mind, lighting up her feelings. She thought about Jack and their weird friendship; the way she had come closer to Grace and loved her more than anything. She opened her eyes for a couple of seconds and caught up his gaze.

And what about Will? Would she ever be able to live without him?

She frowned and all of a sudden, in a fit of love, she went on top of him and kissed his lips hungrily. She had only tried to escape from the confusion of her life but one more time she had failed and crashed. The situation had never been so blurry than now and the innocence of their game had got her trapped into the intricate nets of an impossible story. It would only be an affair, the matter of a sexual encounter and the anonymity of it. She hadn't been able to see whom she was playing with and how fine the lines could be between love and friendship.

Her breath got louder as he speeded up the pace of his hips. She bit her lower lip, a hand in his hair, the other on his back, as a wave of warmness ran through her whole body.

Her love for Will; her marriage to Stanley. She had to get maturity and face her responsibilities even though she knew that this time, it would settle everything.


	9. A plane takes off her life

Christmas lights took possession of the streets as a veil of melancholy was wrapping her heart. She used to love December and the boiling exaltation under which nobody could resist, not even a couple of seconds. She was in love but even those feelings couldn't keep her away and safe from the sadness of her decisions. She wished she could confess everything to Grace and listen, attentive, to her friend's advice but she was trapped in their lies and the impossibility to rely on someone else but herself. She had to trust her heart and whatever she chose, she knew it would be hard. 

She knocked at the door and waited for permission before coming in. The first thing she noticed was how bright his smile was and the tender way he looked at her, as if nothing mattered anymore but her. He was sat at his desk, working on some cases, perhaps her own one, after all he was Stanley's lawyer and so he knew everything; everything about the firm that was waiting for her husband in Thailand. He stood up and reached the edge of the oak desk, leaning vaguely on it as he took her hands and kissed softly her lips. She plunged her eyes on his and sighed.

We need to talk, Will.

She turned her back to Grace and stared blankly at her desk. She had always loved coming there and if it weren't for work, at least the friendly atmosphere emerging from the place used to bring a wave of warmness to her soul and she was so proud to say she had to go to the office, getting some sense for her life. Her fingertips brushed the table and she bit her lower lip but jumped when she felt Grace's hands on her shoulders.

Are you sure…?

She didn't say a word, just nodded, looking down at the floor. Her vision got blurry under the tears that were accumulating in her eyes; her throat hurt so much.

I may need a drink, honey.

She turned and smiled at Grace but her self-confidence had vanished all of a sudden; she was shaking under her silent sobs.

She put a hand on her mouth and laughed as she found out all the Christmas presents waiting for her under the tree. There was still one week left before it but she wouldn't be there to celebrate it, with them, as they used to do every year for quite a while now. She sat on the couch and unwrapped Jack's one. It was a picture of both of them, taken in Central Park during the last summer; he was holding her tight and she was smiling peacefully. Grace gave her a diary in order she told them about her new life in Asia, even though Internet surfing was definitely quicker but less lovey-dovey. She hugged her very tight as her gaze caught up Will's one, her smile vanishing; feelings can be harsh. He tended a small box to her, a blue velvet one. Firstly she thought it was a jewel from Tiffany's but she frowned when she opened it and looked inside.

What…?

She looked at Will, confused.

It's the key of the flat. This is your home, Karen, and it will always be. I want you to remember that you don't even need to ask and whatever happens, if one day you feel sad, you still can come back here. There will always be someone to take you in his arms. You may have married Stanley but you also belong to our lives.

She kissed his lips softly, the gesture passing unnoticed, innocent, in the emotion of the moment, then held him tightly as she closed her eyes and filled her lungs with his scent, her mind trying to fight against the idea she would miss him until she died.

She brushed his lips with her fingertips and murmured she loved him. His hands slid on her body and came to squeeze her waist; she rested her face on his chest and they both looked how the stars slowly faded away and the sun began to shine, his body against hers, in the warmness of the sheets and the bitterness of her leaving.

So that was the last night. She had tried not to think too much about it and stay concentrated on the last hours, the last minutes, the last seconds they would share together until she turned and looked back at him, bursting into tears as her lips would capture his mouth.

Don't leave me Kare…

His voice had been a painful whisper in the morning daylight; his fingers were caressing her cheek, his eyes pleading her for a release.

She looked aside and tried to avoid the pain growing up in her heart.

I can't stay here, Will. I can't do that. I'm so sorry…

They stayed amazingly quiet, anxious, until they heard the stewardess called for her flight. Stanley was already in Thailand and Rosario would wait for her at the airport. She would travel alone but her limousine and a couple of drinks would almost be parked at the terminal of American Airlines. But she so didn't care about that, now. She looked at Jack and hugged him tightly, trying to swallow back her tears as she realized she would lose more than a mere friendship but an important part of the people she considered as her family. Grace couldn't help crying when she found herself in her arms but she had to be strong, as she had always been and so there was no way she let them see she could cry. An odd silence spread over them as she looked at Will and felt guilty, ashamed. She sighed heavily when she found back the heat of his body against hers and she whispered softly to his ear.

You will always be the only one...

New York City vanished under the clouds as she leaned her head against the window and her heart broke down accompanying her cries. She would have just wanted to die, now.


	10. Vitamins in a dizzy whirl

She heard his steps in the background and closed her eyes, sighing heavily, a hand on her forehead. Couldn't he forget her just for a second?

Karen…

She didn't reply and turned her back to him, looking vaguely by the window the rain pouring down in the street.

You have to eat.

I'm not hungry.

You can't…

She got off his touch when he tried to reach her shoulder and get some reason from her stubbornness, an uncomfortable silence reigning over the room, as sticky as the heat of Thailand, especially when it was raining.

Take at least your vitamins… You know you need them.

She stayed quiet until he left the room and came back to work. Nothing had changed, he had remained the same man in spite of his promises and the new life they were supposed to get in Asia. The efforts of the first days had only emphasized the fact they had nothing in common and would always fail, whatever happened, if they stayed together. But the main problem was that when she turned around, she found herself alone in the immensity of the house. She had no friends there, nobody to talk to; no way to escape. And it was weighing a lot on her heart.

She sat up on her bed, grabbed her vitamin pills and looked at them blankly. Her left hand slid under the pillow and she thought about Will while her fingers were brushing the key. She gulped down her vitamins.

I do it for you, Will.

She had become addicted to Internet and spent a lot of time sending mails to them. It was the only way to keep her alive and vaguely warm in the non sense of her new life. When she saw their names appeared on the screen, her face used to light up and she smiled brightly, feeling so fine; so far from the gloomy days of Asia.

Jack usually sent her a lot of pictures, a few of himself and a lot of the city, always signing: don't forget New York, my hottie Geisha, because it doesn't forget you.

She exchanged very long and personal mails with Grace. Surprisingly the distance between the both of them had strengthened their complicity and she regretted so much not to be next to her to enjoy it at the most. They had missed it totally.

She only lived in the past with Will, their words hung to the nights they had spent together and all the feelings that the reminiscence of their stories used to stir in their souls. She hadn't drawn a line under him, never tried to. She may belong to Stanley but she still could decide whom her heart was beating for, even though it would be in silent and harsh.

The phone rang and she picked up immediately when she saw that the call was coming from Will's but she froze as Grace's voice appeared.

Why didn't you tell me about Will and you, Karen? Why did you keep it for yourself?

She closed her eyes as some tears began to well up and run on her cheeks. That was the first time that someone else was speaking about them and putting their names under the same entity, as if they were still together, logically. She took a deep breath and tried to ease her sobs, getting her voice weak.

Because obviously, it wasn't supposed to mean anything. Or I wouldn't be here…

Grace's voice was calm. Curiously Karen had thought she would have been mad if she happened to know about it. But she just sounded sad because she knew how Karen was suffering, like Will. He hadn't told her anything but his behavior was clear enough to let her understand there was more than a mere friendship.

He's just a ghost, now; a ghost who is mourning your heart.

She was coming back from the doctor's and had almost been gone for six months now when she stumbled across the movie on a sunny afternoon while flipping through the channels aimlessly. She had seen it so many times but all of a sudden the message of the story took a different way to her eyes. Meryl Streep's character had sacrificed her love for her family's life and she was dead now, the bridges of Madison County as unique evidence of her past love story. Her hazel eyes had narrowed as her fist had grabbed the key tightly against her stomach and she had realized everything.

She would never be able to spend the rest of her life far from Will.

She arrived on a Saturday morning. The sun was shining in the sky as the city was slowly waking up under her smile. She couldn't help letting some tears well up in her eyes as the first buildings appeared; she had missed New York so badly.

She had told Stanley everything the exact day she had seen Meryl Streep's movie. He hadn't protested, some doubts remaining in his head since the very beginning. They had both lied in order to keep safe the illusion of their marriage but they'd better turn the page and start living again before it was too late. They already regretted it.

The cab stopped in front of the familiar building. The driver helped her with her bags and went away peacefully, leaving her behind as a wave of anxiety spread over her heart. She reached the ninth floor and brushed the golden number with her fingertips. She grabbed the key and opened the door slowly.

It's one of those moments when you have to face your life and get enough courage to take in hand your fate. You may fail and crash but also succeed and grant your strongest wishes. So let's take a deep breath and make a step forward. Most of the time you're rewarded.

She entered the living and looked at the table. The three of them were there, having breakfast together. The sudden intrusion made them turn and stop their casual discussion. For a couple of seconds, nobody moved or spoke, unsure of the reality of the events; perhaps they were still dreaming. Will finally stood up and moved unsteadily towards her, astonished.

When he came to face her, she plunged her eyes in his and put a hand on her six-month-pregnant stomach.

I wouldn't have been allowed to travel and come back here if I didn't take a decision quickly.

Time got suspended in the air, her words floating softly above their heads until he captured her lips in a kiss and she smiled in his mouth, taken away by her life.

A dizzy whirl in Will's arms.


End file.
